Akatsuki Defeats Naruto
by NANLIT
Summary: What if Itachi and Kisame used a different way to try to capture Naruto? What if they used his greatest weakness against him?


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Kishimoto Masashi/Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto.

Akatsuki Defeats Naruto

Once again, Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame were assigned with the task of capturing the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi no Yoko, Uzumaki Naruto. Only this time, they decided not to engage him in a fight, much to Kisame's anger.

"I still don't get why we don't just rip Uzumaki apart, just barely keeping him alive", said Kisame.

"Because, Kisame, we're going to use our brains to defeat him. It is not always the strongest who wins, but sometimes the smartest. We're going to use the jinchuuriki's greatest weakness to defeat him. Now, do you have the stuff we need to set our trap?" replied Itachi.

"A bowl big enough to fill five helpings of ramen, filled to the very top with ramen along with some very powerful sleeping medicine, and a pair of chopsticks to eat with", said Kisame.

"Good. Now let's get in disguise and get into position."

Itachi and Kisame both henge'd into two fat guys. Itachi still had black and had a black moustache. Kisame had light, brown hair and a long beard. Their shirts were covered with designs of ramen noodles and their pants had pictures of ramen bowls and chopsticks all over them. They then traveled the short distance to in front of Naruto's house where they could see in the distance Uzumaki Naruto coming home from dinner at the Ichiraku Ramen Bar. As soon as they were sure he could see them, they were about to pretend to eat the ramen.

"Wow! That's the biggest ramen bowl I've ever seen!" yelled Naruto. "Where'd you get it?"

"Where did we get it? From the Great One, of course. Surely you've heard of the Great Ramen-sama?" yelled the disguised Kisame.

"Ramen-sama? Who's that?" asked a slightly excited Naruto.

"Why the god of ramen of course! He lives on Ramen Mountain, you know. Ramen of all kinds as far as the eye can see. The ground is literally plain ramen noodles and the trees are big, long noodles and instead of producing fruit, produce actual bowls of ramen. This bowl here is the size of bowls that the ramen trees produce. There is no greater food found anywhere else in the world than the ramen from Ramen Mountain" said a pretended to be excited Kisame.

By the end of Kisame's little speech, Naruto had stars in his eyes and was drooling all over the ground. "How do I get to Heaven?" asked Naruto, for that was what he was envisioning the Ramen Mountain to be.

'Wow. This is working better than I thought. With just a few sentences of pure nonsense, we've made him into a bigger religious person than Hidan', thought Itachi.

"First, we must know your name and give us a reason why we should tell you such secrets", said Kisame.

"Okay. My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I think that ramen is the greatest food in the world. I eat at the Ichiraku Ramen Bar here in Konoha every time I can. If I wasn't a Shinobi, I'd want to be the greatest ramen chef in the world", said Naruto.

"I think you've proven yourself. By the way, my name is Emasik Ikagihosh and this is my friend, Ichati Ahichu. Now eat this sacred ramen and we shall escort you to Ramen Mountain", said Kisame.

"Thank you so much, Ikagihosh-san, Ahichu-san", said Naruto as he was handed the ramen by Kisame.

Naruto then started to inhale the ramen so fast that it surprised the two Akatsuki members.

"You're right! This is great" said Naruto with a mouth full of noodles. As soon as he finished his bowl in a just one minute, Naruto said "Now on to Para-" and then he collapsed into a deep sleep.

"I can't believe all it took to defeat the jinchuuriki with the most powerful bijuu was to give him drugged up food" said a slightly shocked Kisame.

"Well, whatever. Get the body and let's go", ordered Itachi.

A few days later, Akatsuki was rejoicing in their success of extracting the Kyuubi.

"Today is a great day for us. We have taken the Kyuubi", said Nagato. "Strange. He's still not dead yet. Someone, take care of him."

"I'll do it. I've been wanting to shed some blood for a while now", said Kisame. He then attacked the barely alive Naruto mercilessly until Naruto was finally dead.

Somewhere, a group of people with ramen noodle shirts and ramen bowl pants shuddered.

"Did you feel that?" said a person in the group. "It feels as if we've lost a great ramen lover."

"Let us take a moment to mourn for the loss, everyone", said the apparent leader. "Then, let us continue on our quest to find the legendary Ramen Mountain!"

"Yes, sir!" said the entire Cult of Ramen-sama.

**End**

Published: Wednesday, November 24, 2010


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